There’s a sense of anticipation in my household at the moment. Most of it mine. Next year child no. 2 starts high school and child no. 4 (the lucky last one) starts kindergarten.
I became a mum (who stayed at home and worked from home) in 2001. In 2015 the last of the little ones will leave home between the hours of 9 and 3, Monday to Friday.
Cue the usual retorts.
“You won’t know what to do with yourself?”
“Mummy will have all this free time won’t she?” they say in a sing-song voice to my youngest; who nods acknowledging that someone has said something but he clearly has no idea what.
So for the next couple of months we’re busy getting 2 children ready for their next big phase.
And on the side I’m getting ready for my next big phase.
You see I know exactly what I’m going to be doing with myself next year. I’ve been getting ready for ‘next year’ for quite some time now.
As much I would have loved to be ‘starting school’ next year myself (in the way of a Masters in Cultural Studies) it didn’t pan out. Don’t quite have the spare $20,000 it would cost to get that degree. But that doesn’t mean I can’t read copious amounts of books. And write copious amounts of blog posts and articles. Or exercise more often than I do. Or to remind my digits what it’s like to play the piano.
But you see my problem is that I still don’t have enough time to do everything. And that’s why I’m feeling lost.
I still don’t have the luxury to completely immerse myself into all the things I want to do. And that’s an issue for me because I’m an all or nothing kind of gal.
The leaning tower of books on my bedside table is forever growing. And while I can think of nothing better than to simply wake up in the morning, pick up a book and start reading until I need to sleep again in the evening, it’s a luxury I don’t have. And that makes me feel lost.
I understand that all I can do is what time simply affords me. An all nothing approach is kinda crazy. Reading at least some of my books is better than not reading any. But it doesn’t completely satisfy me and I feel lost. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling behind. Which doesn’t make sense because we gain something every time we finishing reading a book.
So there’s just nothing for it except to simply embrace feeling lost and to take Dory’s advice; just keep swimming….and reading….and exercising…and playing.